I think essentially at the core of my being, I’m a curious person, but I don’t have the motivation or desire to explore any of my interests (or at least, for a long period of time). Since I was a kid, I’ve never really quite had a hobby, but instead, just molding myself to expectations of what I should like or what I happened to be interested at the time. Although it was natural for kids not to know what they want to do in the future, I felt overwhelmed by the possibilities of everything I wanted to do, but couldn’t. I say “couldn’t” as if it was impossible which, I guess it physically wasn’t, but it mentally was. The desire to to learn something that I saw and thought was “cool” didn’t overpower my lack of motivation to master the technicalities of a new craft. However, that proved to be a problem as I seemed to have an affinity for challenging myself and seeing if I could do everything (which almost became a competition for myself to see how many things I could learn), but as soon as I reached the first signs of hitting an obstacle or a challenge I couldn’t easily overcome, I would just give up. It was easy for me to give up because I had no real obligation to continue learning that I could just stop at anytime.
That’s why I’m hoping for the CAS program to be a motivator for me to pursue interests, hobbies, and everything I’ve ever wanted to learn, but either was too unmotivated to do so, or was inhibited by a fear of failure.
To be honest, I don’t really know what my passions are or what exactly even constitutes as having passion for something. I do have a few things that I do, though. I would say that the most creative of my interests is playing instruments and music in general. The first instrument I ever learned to play was the piano. Ah yes, the stereotypical “Asian kid” instrument that everyone learns to play when they’re a kid. Of course being young, I didn’t have much say in whether I wanted to learn it or even what the significance of learning an instrument meant for my life, but my mother still sent me to lessons along with my older brother. A year or two after, I began to learn the violin later as well, but then briefly stopped lessons as I moved to the US, before picking it back up eventually. Despite the accumulated (roughly calculated) eleven years and six years of experience however, I am severely lacking in the technical skills expected of someone who has been learning so long. I would mostly attribute this to my initial lack of enthusiasm for the instruments themselves. Firstly, as I ended up understanding later, I dislike being told to do things as well as being watched when I do things, which is why I think I barely practiced outside of lesson time from elementary all the way until even now. Also, I believe that because I had no initial desire to learn the instrument, my lack of passion made it hard to be good at it. I then learned guitar in middle school after I had watched a cover of Redbone and saw the emotions that were being conveyed through their playing. I found an old guitar in my uncle’s basement and taught myself to play, a little bit at a time. Eventually I was able to play songs, however, I still cannot finger-pick, unfortunately. I also learned a little bit of the flute from my piano teacher because I was interested in trying out a wind instrument since I had never learned before and I wanted to challenge myself to a different kind of musical expression since the sounds produced give off different emotions. My experience with music has been a contributor to my thoughts on learning in general in that it’s hard to be good at things you’re not interested in because you won’t be as motivated to practice. However, those thoughts could possibly be a negative factor in why I didn’t practice many hobbies I had throughout my life, believing that since I did not have enough passion, I would never be good.
I’ve played sports since the first grade when my mom sent me to the club soccer teams that all my same-aged friends were all going to. Well, technically since six, when my parents sent me to a swimming center and I was plunged into the water and forced to learn how to swim, but I wouldn’t really count that if I were you. Since no one wanted to be the goalkeeper, naturally I “volunteered” because I really had no opinions on positions or strategy. I just kind of wanted to go home. Then in third grade, I switched over to playing basketball because the dad of my friend was coaching. I would say I enjoyed it more than soccer because I had more dexterity in my hands than my feet, so being better at a sport gave me more confidence and motivation to play it. When I moved to Taiwan, I picked up volleyball and softball while continuing basketball and soccer. There is a certain satisfaction in getting better at activities and the camaraderie that comes along with being on a team. Although physically and mentally challenging, being there and collaborating with teammates often made practices worth it.
Service experiences are somewhat hard for me to accomplish given my lack of fluency in Chinese. Living in Taiwan, that poses some problems. The biggest acts of service I’ve accomplished are mostly related to reduced inequalities and life below water, in terms of the UN global goals. I’ve been partaking in activities regarding the state of marine life since middle school through mostly advocacy: making websites, entering the Global Goals GSL competition, and beach clean ups. My most sustained effort in service are my trips to Heng Chun where I visit the local Christian Hospital and help out with their visitations of elderly and impoverished people to bring food, fix amenities, and to bring some temporary joy to those people who are largely forgotten.
I’m looking forward to challenging myself to persevere with my interests and to be able to further develop them as I have failed to do in the past. As well as using this as an opportunity to explore all the different interests that I’ve always had but didn’t have the time to or the will to. Through CAS, I hope that I can work through my hesitance to try new things because of a fear of failure as well as be able to work on improving myself. I’m hoping that from my experiences, I will be able to nurture my curiosity as an inquirer and to learn more about my strengths and weaknesses as a reflector.
That’s who I am currently. Hopefully I grow.